my story – yes, God yells – part VI

We got engaged the day after Thanksgiving. It was an evening hike to a beautiful spot in the mountains. We had actually started hiking back when he proposed in the middle of the trail under a full moon. I was excited. My dream was finally going to come true! It wouldn’t be too long before I would be married too, just like my younger sister. I was jealous of her being younger and achieving married status before me. It hadn’t been my plan for it to work out that way. I told myself I felt happy, but I wasn’t content. I felt like a big rock had been laid on my back. We started making frantic wedding plans. We ordered invitations and I picked out my colors. I had already found a dress. We set the date for 2/20/2010. My parents had been pretty quiet about the whole thing. They didn’t say much to me about our relationship anymore. I tried to seem joyful and make it look like I was the happiest I had ever been. I wanted that glow that people get when they are so in love they could almost fly. I didn’t feel like I could fly at all. I felt like I was drowning. Deep down I knew that something wasn’t right, but I still didn’t want to listen to what the Lord was saying. I knew He was trying to speak to me through the people around me and even in my own heart. The more I ignored Him, the quieter He became. I didn’t want to mess up my dream. Or my typographically beautiful wedding date.

Some close family friends came to visit at Christmas and stayed with us for three days. Every day, Heath would come up and hang out all day with all of us. We’d all play the Wii and eat and talk. I had to work some while they were there, but whenever I was home, Heath was there too. I wanted him to be there, but I couldn’t help but feel like he was being overprotective. I didn’t feel like I could joke around with the guys who were visiting or he’d be jealous. I also felt like I’d have to give an account for every conversation I had.I made myself play with the younger kids to take my mind off of how awkward everything was. I felt trapped. I felt like I was being overseen all of the time. Monitored. I tried to act like a loving fiancee and dote on him and show him affection like I was supposed to. I thought I was doing alright, and know I know that everyone saw right through it. The weight on my shoulders had gotten heavier. I was so scared, but I didn’t want to make anyone unhappy. Then, the Lord moved a mountain range and did some yelling.

The morning our friends were going to leave, their mom asked if she could talk to me before I left for work that morning. I said yes. I knew what she was going to say before we even sat down to talk. I knew that I needed her to say it. I was dreading it and longing to hear it simultaneously. She said she hadn’t been able to sleep the night before and said that the Lord had really pressed on her heart to share some things with me. She sat down next to me and said everything that I was feeling (unbeknownst to her), and it was as if I had been given permission to acknowledge my fears and feelings and to consider what I really wanted. After she had shared her thoughts and experiences through tears, she left my room. I knew at the moment she began talking that I couldn’t get married. I knew that it wasn’t right and that I wasn’t ready to be married. I had known, but I did not want to give up my plans for making me and everyone else “happy”. Her sharing her heart had been exactly what I needed to hear. I knew that I couldn’t make anyone happy no matter what I did or how hard I tried. I couldn’t make this work. I found her, tearful, on the back porch. I told her that I couldn’t get married. She seemed shocked that I had come to talk to her again, and that I was telling her that I didn’t want to get married. I told my parents how I felt before I left for work. I just knew that it wasn’t right for us to get married, and I didn’t want to risk keeping the best of what God had for Heath or for me from either of us.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s