I prayed and cried and read my way through the next week. I have never cried so hard, and for so long in my life. I can’t ever recall sobbing in front of my parents up until this point. I didn’t care what anyone thought, I just wanted to let all of the sadness out. By the end of the week, my burning eyes didn’t have any more tears to cry. I had written down my thoughts and prepared myself to tell Heath the decision I had made. I called him on Saturday on my way to work and asked if we could talk that afternoon. We set a time and place to meet. When we got there, we found a place to sit on a picnic blanket.
Before I could say anything of what I was prepared to say, Heath told me that his week had been filled with talking to and listening to the Lord. He said that it had been hard being apart and not hearing from me. He also said that the Lord had told him that he needed to give me up to Him. He said that if I needed to postpone the wedding, or even call it off, that he had to be OK with that and give it to the Lord. I couldn’t believe my ears. I had been expecting to hear that I was needed desperately and that he couldn’t live without me. Carefully and reluctantly I began to share my feelings with Heath. It was so hard, and the only way I got through it was the Lord carrying me in His arms. I told Heath that I couldn’t get married. It was so painful. I didn’t want to cause him any pain, but I knew that if I didn’t say no now, it would be too late later. I couldn’t go into a marriage unhappy and fearful. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
I drove home through tears that evening. I didn’t really know what I felt. It wasn’t a feeling I had ever had before. It was a mixed collection of emotions. I felt empty yet like a hole had been filled, resigned yet strong, sad but not devastated, and somehow hopeful. That night, I feel asleep void of tears. I didn’t cry any more after that day. Not for a while at least. I got in the car with my mom a few days later and embarked on a road trip that was the beginning of a journey to find my heart and my true love. It was the start of hearing God speak to me as I had never heard Him speak before and feeling His love like I had never been loved before.